Much has been written on why relationships fail or ultimately succeed. As a Gottman Method couples therapist, I often encounter couples, who are almost at the point of giving up on their relationships. Among the many researchers, who have investigated this question, John and Julie Gottman probably know more about the subject than anyone else. Husband and wife, the Gottmans are both clinical psychologists, who have devoted decades to understanding why relationships fail or succeed. They have published extensively on this topic and now offer professional training to mental health professionals to help them better prevent the possibility of relationship failure with their clients.
The Gottmans' decades of research into this question of why relationships fail or succeed yielded their theoretical model, which they call The Sound Relationship House. Much like any other house, a good relationship or marriage must be built upon a solid foundation and have good supporting walls to weather any unforeseen "storms", which might wreak havoc. The walls they have identified as Trust and Commitment. The Gottmans describe trust as each relationship partner acting consistently in ways, which maximize benefits for both individuals in the relationship and not just for oneself. Commitment they define as each partner considers the relationship to be something, to which he or she remains devoted over the long-term.
The foundation of the house, Drs. Gottman have deemed "Building Love Maps"--that is, to what extent does each partner really know the other--his or her likes, dislikes, lifelong dreams, aspirations, hopes, fears, etc. Building Love Maps is something, which occurs over time and experience with one's partner and really serves as a contributor to the establishment of trust.
The next three levels--"Sharing Fondness & Admiration", "Turning Towards vs. Away", and "The Positive Perspective vs. The Negative Perspective" all have to do with the everyday positive or negative interactions in our relationship. How often does my partner notice and show appreciation when I do something special for him or her? What types of rituals do we maintain as a couple on a regular basis for increasing our emotional, spiritual and sexual connection to one another? These positive interactions, the Gottmans contend, are akin to putting money into an "emotional bank account": if there are enough of these positive interactions occurring on a fairly consistent basis, it lessens the likelihood that conflict will escalate unnecessarily when it does inevitably come up.
The next floor--"Managing Conflict"--is probably where I see the most frequent problems with couples, who come to couples therapy. Interestingly, the Gottmans' research has concluded that only 31% of conflicts in couples' relationships are resolvable; the other 69% are perpetual in nature--that is, they come up repeatedly and do not get resolved. So, what do couples do with these perpetual conflict topics? I always tell my clients that resolving conflict is far less important than how we dialogue about it. For instance, you might ask yourself the following questions:
Do our conflict discussions usually escalate to anger fairly quickly?
Do we name-call, belittle one another, or blame during conflict?
Do either of us shut down during conflict and stop responding to the other, or do we become defensive?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, Gottman therapy would likely benefit your relationship. The last two levels of the Sound Relationship House are "Making Life Dreams Come True" and "Creating Shared Meaning" as a couple. Think about it, though: how well can we as a couple create shared meaning or make one another's life dreams come true if we do not maintain a culture of mutual respect in the relationship or engage in healthy conflict discussions, as opposed to yelling and screaming at one another?
So, what's the good news? Well, with the right therapist your relationship may not be doomed. I have as a psychotherapist seen couples in therapy, who had all of these areas identified as challenges in their relationships. Still, if they are willing to put the work into their relationship and cultivating an atmosphere of mutual respect and collaboration, rather than behaving in an adversarial manner with one another, the relationship usually improves with some dedicated effort--and often after only a few short months.
As a Gottman Method couples therapist I have Level 2 training from the Gottman Institute and would be honored to talk with you about how we can collaborate to improve dynamics in your own relationship. Let's work together to help your relationship succeed and get you back on track as a devoted couple. I currently have immediate scheduling availability and accept several insurance plans in the states of Texas, Connecticut and Florida. Additionally, I provide couples therapy services to couples in the United Kingdom--including England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
For a list of recommended books on this topic, please visit my Recommended Resources page. To view my scheduling availability or book an appointment, please visit my scheduling page.
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